April 9th, 2006

I had a very hard time sleeping last night and was up and down several times. I ended up sleeping late till almost 10:00. We got up and got ready to see our babies again. Today we had a planned schedule, upon advice of one of the nurses there. We planned to hold 2 in the morning and 2 in the afternoon and it is centered around their feeding schedule so they can continue a definite sleep/wake schedule.

Today, I got Gabby while Daddy got to hold Alexandria. We held them for over an hour and then went to eat some lunch. After lunch, I went to be with Preston, while daddy went to hold Hunter. Preston has gained some weight. He is up to 1040 grams. I inquired about moving him with his siblings. They are going to hold off and see if they can maintain this weight and there are no other beds available for Preston in the Special Care Unit yet. Holding my Preston was wonderful. He is just so tiny in comparison to the other 3. While you can see his resemblance to his identical twin, it is a discernable difference. He is so small in comparison to Hunter, that he looks very different. Preston is also very different in personality. While Hunter is a happy, laid back baby, Preston is very high strung and fussy. Most of the time, he doesn't want to be bothered with.

He stayed awake for a long time while I held him skin to skin. His little face was upturned, looking at me and he wriggled himself into a position where he was perched like a little monkey on my belly and chest. His feet were tucked under and he had his butt up in the air. I talked to him as if he could understand me, sharing stories about the strength of some of his ancestors. Intermittently, he sneeze and cried. It scared me that I didn't know what was making him cry. Each time he cried, it only lasted a few seconds. Yet, I was left in the dark about that which he was crying. We had planned that daddy would come to hold Preston at 3PM, when he is fed and that I would go over and hold Hunter. Daddy felt that Preston needed a break. The nurse was inclined to agree, saying that keeping him out too long can be detrimental due to the need to preserve his body temperature with his size being so small. I just felt very strongly that he needed to be held more. The nurse felt that I was projecting these feelings onto Preston and that he is actaully content. I left right away so nobody would see me crying. He goes back on the billirubin lights tonite because his level climbed after coming down. The doctors said this might happen. When he is on the lights, he is only allowed to be held for 30 minutes in a 24 hour period. I guess this made me so emotional. I want my baby to know he is loved and so far he has been left behind nutritionally in my womb and now left behind when his siblings progress. My mother used to tell me that a mother loves the one the most that needs the most at the time. I am finding that saying true. I worry bout our little peanut. I hope that he can continue to progress and that as he does, he will know how much we love him.