4th of July

Well for the 4th of July, we went out to Groveland's Downtown Park where they had a lot of vendors, music, games, etc. and the kids had a lot of fun, but it is too hot out there to wait until 9:00pm for the fireworks, so we came home for a break from the heat and plan to grill some hotdogs/hamburgers and then hit the fireworks at 9:00pm. The kids are excited about fireworks. It brings out the best in them. Here's a few pics we got while we were out in the heat.

Summer 2011

Being in Florida, accidental drownings are one of the top reasons for children's deaths 5 and under and learning to swim has been a priority, but the kids have been reticent to learning from us and swim lessons aren't cheap. Over time, we have taken every opportunity to teach basic kicking and paddling skills. Last summer, the girls were swimming enough to make it to the edge of the pool, but Hunter was only content in his floaties. This summer, we started taking them to the pool frequently and at one of their friend's parties, they saw most of their friends swimming on their own -without floaties. I think that was the motivation they needed to really try. Finally, after many screaming fits, mostly by us parents, the kids started to trust us to teach them to swim and they are swimming like fish. I am soooo excited!!! Allie and Gabby can swim from one side of the pool to the other, above water. Hunter on the other hand, likes to swim with his face underwater. He too got on the bandwagon. It has been the best (and hardest) thing we have taught them to date, but when you sit back and see their talent, you can't help but smile with pride. We did it!

Birthday 2011

The kids had their 5th Birthday this year at Birthday World in April (yes their birthday is still April 3). We invited several of their friends from school, but only a few could make it unfortunately - their birthday just happens to coincide with Spring Break. They had a blast with their friends, their brother Dylan, grandmother, cousin, and Auntie. Here are a few pics from the Birthday Party. They didn't notice that so many couldn't come, telling me "Mommy, that was the best birthday ever."

The effect of loss

Just needed to get something off my chest...

Every day of my life, painful twinges and reminders of my loss are a reality. I don't need much prompting. A song, a picture, or in moments of silence, in prayer, HE comes to mind. It comes to mind everytime people ask "Are they triplets?" or some well meaning person calls them "TRIPLETS." It's a constant reminder - he is missing. He did exist. I don't talk about it. It is way too painful. I did lots of talking about it early on and then I couldn't anymore. I went through shock and denial. I went through anger (at God, at me) and I went through depression or what I think of as agony. I went through all Kubler-Ross's stages of grief. I know as a therapist, there are some things you don't get over and this is one of them. It is certainly more bearable day by day and it isn't an unceasing pain. I live and I feel happy (yes, of course at times I feel guilty for feeling happy too and then you feel guilt for feeling guilt because you have 3 beautiful, healthy children and you should feel blessed and I do). It's that magenta feeling that is described by Sallie Field in the movie "Steel Magnolias."


When I made it through the dark days of uncertainty and felt assured by God through the many prayers that my babies would be a reality, I felt freed of anxiety. My babies had made it. I felt we were "home free." What new mom thinks their child will die? We just don't. When it happens, the protective bubble is removed. You become AWARE. Suddenly, I was aware that my kids could die, that I could die, that we all die. It isn't like lightning not striking twice in the same place. It can happen again. I could lose another child and it scares the bejeebers out of me.

Thoughts of death and dying came to the forefront after the trauma of loss. I would wonder when I was driving down the road how could people just go about all this insignificant life stuff with the realization that they are going to die and yes, it could be today. Of course, they couldn't. I wondered more about all the philisophical questions that I thought were answered through my Philosophy 101 class in undergraduate. You know the questions: "What is the meaning of life?" "What are the proofs of God's existence?" etc. and I started second guessing and questioning my beliefs.

I would and still do have nightmares and daymares. I refer to them as daymares but they are intrusive thoughts/anxieties about bad things that can happen. A friend of mine, who is a doctor, told me about a friend losing his 2 year old child because he choked on a hot dog. He told me that the child could have been saved if they had known how to trach the child, but of course not being doctors or paramedics, they didn't know how to do this and the paramedics took 8 minutes to get there. It was too late. He gave me an overview of where the hole is placed, but I wasn't sure I had the right spot. I asked my nephew who is a paramedic about the trach procedure so I would know. He looked at me like I had completely lost it. I explained the story and it still didn't seem to register with him that I want to know HOW just in case. Humor me here! I already experienced the metaphorical lightning striking.

So I don't know how to trach. I do know CPR and the heimlich, but I don't want to be in that position again. I try not to give them chokeable foods or if I give them foods such as hotdogs, I painstakingly cut their hotdogs into 1/4 slices to ensure that they couldn't lodge in their throat. I still do the same with small fruits and they are almost 5 years old. I have seen them choke and I go into panic mode. Of course, they have always coughed and cried. Thank you God!

Another intrusive fearful thought is drowning. I fear them drowning. I don't want them at any house with a pool when I am not there. They don't know how to swim yet, but we have worked with them. I need them to know how to swim. They WILL learn how this year. I don't mean to offend anyone that has a pool and is willing to watch my children. Their aunt is a wonderful trustworthy caretaker who loves my kids, but it happens every day to wonderful, caring parents who have pools.

We have a little canal that only has water/alligators too when it rains. That's another fear. If they are asleep and I am leaving them at home with their dad, the security alarm has to be on. He needs to hear them if they get up and walk out of the house.

I have daymares of them being in an auto accident. I try to be as careful as I can when I am driving, but one fear is deer jumping out. We live in a wooded community and in the boonies where there are a lot of deer. The highway is lined with forest and that is a possibility. I cannot stand it when my husband drives 60-70 mph on the highway, especially at twilight or night, as who knows what is going to jump in front of you. One of his friends is a paramedic and told me a story about a scene of an accident that he went to that involved hitting animals. The baby didn't make it is the short version. It stays in my mind.


Stories of how children get backed over come into mind too. I remember a news story about a woman in Sebring/Avon Park who had her family over for Christmas and as her sister went to leave, she didn't see the 1 year old child in the drive way. It's unimaginable. How can the mother ever forgive her sister? How can the sister/aunt bear the pain of being the responsible party for the loss of that child? They will be forever damaged.

I have realized that what I experience is NORMAL for the context of my experience. I am not ill. I am a mother who lost a child and now has a new reality, one that encompasses the possibility that it could happen again. My intrusive thoughts are my anxiety about this and need to CONTROL for every possible negative outcome. Yes, it borders on OCD, but given the context of working with victims of trauma and doing critical incident stress debriefing, I realize this is part of life after trauma. Of course, I can't control for everything. I do believe the only one that can protect my children is ultimately God and I beg him for this every day without fail. I ask him to protect my children from "injury, accident, illness, and death." I pray he lets me live long enough to see them grow up. I know they need their mother. I hope they know every day I am here and beyond that I LOVE THEM with everything I am and have to give and I will go to no end to protect them and give them the best I can in life. They deserve it. They mean everything to me.

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Funny things kids say

So tonight, the kids and I were going home from school and a common theme of discussion is "monsters." They were asking me if I liked monsters - do I like werewolves, etc. to which all the responses were no and that there are no monsters. We live near the woods and they get scared and think monsters are in the woods. I told them they didn't have to be scared because God protects us. Hunter asks, "Mommy, does God fight the monsters with guns?" I said, "No... he just keeps us safe." So we finally make it home, and they are scrambling to get in the house fast - scared of the dark woods. I said they needed to help me clean out the car and of course they are no help. The girls run in the house and Hunter stays behind a minute to clarify, "Mommy, God protects us?" and I say "yes." He responds, "well God will help you clean out the car" and he runs inside. The things kids come up with to get out of working!

Christmas 2010

Christmas 2010 was a small quiet Christmas, but carried much more excitement as the kids are now 4 years old and have some concept about PRESENTS and the magic of Santa Claus. We enjoyed a beautiful midnight mass and then got a bit of sleep before opening presents the next morning. Grandma and Grandpa of course spoiled the kids with lots of presents while Mom (me) bored them with new clothes. I felt blessed to have my mom here with me for 2 days. I don't get enough time with her. Unfortunately, my dad (grandpa) couldn't be here as he is still in Afghanistan working. I feel blessed that I still have my mother, father, and grandmother alive to enjoy my children. They amaze me every day and I feel very fortunate to have my beautiful babies, though the absence of Preston is noticed every day of my life. While I don't fully understand why God took him from me, I am just so thankful for these 3 miracles and am more mindful of God's presence this time of year.

Here are some pictures of Alexandria, Gabrielle, and Hunter from the holiday.

Time to Get Healthy

As I become more aware of the lack of nutrition in the average American diet, and probably even less in the Ewing Household diet, I realized a need to make a change. In the 80's I was inspired by the JUICEMAN and started juicing. Yes, I was the most healthy I had been at that time, but hello... it's hard to keep up with:
1) when most social outings revolve around yummy food
2) you have to pass by so many fast food restaurants and hear them calling your name
3) lugging a big juicer and pounds of fruit/veggies to juice at lunch time is hard
4) and CLEAN UP is an absolute pain in the butt.

So, despite the downside, here are the benefits:

increasing energy
decreasing weight
improving digestive health
boosting immunity
preventing illnesses such as cancer, diverticulitis, heart disease....


We can never eat all the fruits and vegetables that comes from a few glasses of juice a day, nor can we get 100 percent of the value of any of those fruits and veggies. Bottled juice? Pasteurization, high fructose sugar, and lack of enzymes which is one of the main points of juicing are lost. Cooking the food strips the food of the vitamins and phytochemicals which are one of the main points of eating the fruits/veggies. So, we are juicing here in Ewingville. The girls really don't like the juice because we have had them accustomed to bottled juice. It definitely takes some adjustment. However, we are the parents and if that's what's available, we figure they will get used to it and join the program!

I know that to totally embrace this lifestyle, we have to give up meat (all animal products) and we aren't quite ready for it yet, but maybe eventually. I am trying to remember it is eat to live not live to eat.

At the start of this process, I am feeling fatigued all the time - yes, I work and have 3 children, but still!!! It's not normal to feel 80 in your 30's. I have Graves Disease and subsequent to the medications - Methimazole and a betablocker, I am up 57pounds and disgusted with what I see in the mirror. I am afraid that if this weight gain continues, I will not be able to exercise, develop further illnesses like diabetes (since both my mother and father have that) as well as hypertension, etc.

My husband is healthy and 10 years my senior; he obviously must be fit to climb a 7 story tower with 50 pound gear, drag a 160 pound body, do charged hose drags, and do hammersleds all under 6 mintues. However, he is feeling the effects of age and wants more energy too. We aren't spring chickens. So, we do this for Allie, Gabby, and Hunter. We will let you know how it works out!

My Little Ballerinas!

Summer 10

The kids have been home with daddy all summer enjoying "quality time." :) (He's so happy they are going to school soon)! They have been to the beach twice and to the pool several times. We have been working on getting them swimming. In the beginning, Gabby wouldn't even leave the steps with floaties on, but she was the first to take off her floaties and show some real bravery and leading the way for her sister. Both are swimming at least from the steps a few feet and then able to return to the edge. It is so exciting. We had a blast! We also had a couple horse riding lessons, but swimming really took priority, living in Florida.

Now, it is time to start Prek-4. They are so excited about starting school. We took them shopping for back to school stuff and it was like they were on a sugar high, running and showing us different outfits that they thought were "so cute!" or that they "love." Grandma got them a few outfits too, so I am pretty sure they are set for awhile! They have been looking forward to getting their shots! I know? Wierd, huh? I thought these kids were definitely abnormal until we went for their shots today. Allie practically dragged me back to see the nurse to get her shot. Hunter was up first and the girls wanted to watch. When they saw him cry, they immediately started screaming and crying so hard, you would have thought they were the ones getting the needle. Needless to say, they were running, hollering. We pretty much had to hogtie them to get their shots. Poor babies! At least I know they are normal now.

School starts Monday! It's going to be a huge adjustment, getting up at 5:30 to leave by 6:30 as school is over an hour away! I hope it is a year of great learning and great fun that will help them succeed in kindergarten. Wish us luck!

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Gabby saying prayers

Here is a link to Gabby saying her prayers - every night it varies who she blesses in her prayers. Allie is the one in the background with the oddest blessing :) Leave comments on youtube please :) love to hear what you think

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Vtp3kLI3uc

4th birthday April 3, 2010

The kids turned 4 on April 3rd and it's hard to believe that 4 years have passed by since the first moment I got to hold them in my arms. I struggled with ideas of what to do for their birthday. I wanted it to be special, but wasn't having too many ideas. They wanted to have their friends from school over. Hunter wanted a Batman cake and the girls wanted a Princess cake and they wanted their friends to sing the happy birthday song to them. Well,unfortunately, their birthdays fell the day before Easter, during Spring Break when many of the families are out of town. Additionally, our home is 40 miles from the school AND 7/11 kids in the class have April birthdays. So, having friends over was vetoed by mom. The teacher accomodated a special day for them March 30th, before spring break. I brought a cake and the kids did get to have "happy birthday" sung to them by their friends :)

We focused on making them have 2 very nicely decorated rooms. I say WE, but my husband did all the work - I just shopped and selected things while he painted 2 rooms! The girls have an updated flower room with some neutral paint. We plan to add some things later, but funds were already tapped out. We gave Hunter a baseball room. They really love their new rooms.




















I still struggled with ideas of how to spend THEIR DAY. I ended up taking them and the 2 older kids to the horse stables for riding. While we were there, they got to hold bunnies, baby chicks, and baby goats. They absolutely fell in love and didn't want to leave.




























The day pursued on with the CAKES - yes batman AND princess cake. We still have cake left over!!!













We also played in the backyard and they swam in their kiddie pool. Of course, the best part was the special people that got to be a part of their day - their older brother and sister, mom and dad, and GRANDMA!! Just when I was questioning, did I do enough???, Hunter came up and gave me a hug and said "Thank you mommy. It's the best birthday EBER (ever)!" So sweet and made me feel fulfilled. I worried for nothing.